ersatz

23.10.05

tapos dinikit..

paalala: ang istoryang ito ay di ibinase sa tunay na buhay. walang anumang katauhan, bagay, hayop o parte ng kalikasan ang sinira at siniraan para dito.. likha lamang ito ng baliw na pag-iisip at isang request.. :)

still panting, her heart started to beat slower and more regular. she felt a tear and a bead of perspiration slipping down her face all at the same second. she could not understand what had happened to her. it was odd, it was new, it was scary, yet it was beautiful..

she gained all the strength that is left of her to stand up. she could still imagine everything clearly.. the look in his eyes, the smell of his shirt, the calmness in his every move.. she smiled.. it was indeed beautiful.. she was about to step and go to the wash room when she suddenly felt a hand grabbed her wrist..

sit here..

it was not a command but a sweet plea.. she was surprised.. thinking why he was there, why he was holding her wrist and pleading her to sit beside him..

this can't be.. she thought.. wasn't i dreaming?

no she was not.. everything was true: the look, the smell, the touch, the calmness, her sweat and tear.. everything was real!

why? what is happening? i have made this dream, i have made this man.. i have made everything! why is it that i am feeling him now? that he is smiling at me? that i am seeing him with my real eyes?

the man looked at her, slightly hurt with fearful look that the girl has. he asked her, what's wrong baby? was this not what you wanted? i am here, you wanted me to be here.. why are you looking at me that way? she still couldn't understand. she never wanted to hurt him, after all, he was right, she wanted what was happening.. and so she went to bed with the man and stared at the ceiling of her room. she could hear crickets. the man asked him, what do you think of love? she was shocked. what do i think of love? she couldn't think of any words to say.

the man placed her hand on his chest. and asked her again, what do you think of love? she tried to remember the things she read about love, tried to recall about the most romantic lines. but she couldn't give him any words.. until she gave up, a bit irritated.. she just said: i don't know about love.. i dont know it at all, and i have no business knowing it! this may sound stupid, but this is love: as i feel it.. as my hand is placed on your chest.. as i lay beside you, as i hear you speak, as i smell your breath, as i see your eyes, as i feel your soul.. that is all i know about love, and don't ask me why.. coz that is everything i know and i am afraid that i will never know anything about it anymore!

the man smiled. he was satisfied. it was time to leave.

but why? asked the girl.

because you already know. the man responded.

know what?

you know about love.. you already feel it.. you already have it.. and i am but an object.. a small fragment of your ideals about love.. and you know that i am not real.. because you do not feel me, you only see me in your mind.. and love, oh, love is something that is needed to be shared.. you cannot share it with me.. because i cannot feel it. and you - you are capable of feeling it.. i am only capable of knowing it. you created me.. and it's now time for you to destroy me..

she woke up.. it was her 22nd birthday. she had the strangest dream. she was in love.

Posted at 7:41 pm by uhleyn
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ginupit

i used to sing a song for one of my ex-loves.. but i realized just 3 days ago that the song should not be for him.. i don't mean to put it negatively, i have nothing against him anymore.. thing is, it was a wrong song for the-once-right-person.. that past relationship had all the chances and privileges a relationship can have.. atleast that's what i think.. so the song i used to sing for the person does not, in any way, suit him.. or what we used to have.. no offense.. just plain honest me.. but i know my being like this leads me to situations.. haha, d hell i care! the loveliest lines were these:

pagkat kung pag-asa'y bula lamang pala,

walang magbabago, mahal pa rin kita..

aun lang.. i just thought that this is not a song for the person.. because it doesn't express anything i felt for him before.. again, no offense..

(coz if i would sing song for someone.. it would be for you..:) you should know who you are..:)

p.s.

but i guess not.. and perhaps you shouldn't know..

coz two things might happen:

1. i might lose you

(which is odd coz you're not mine)

2. you might lose me

(which will happen..should the need arise..and i think,i feel,just now, that it will soon happen..sooner than i expected..)

..signing off..

elaine, jan, abuh, lane, laney..

Posted at 7:39 pm by uhleyn
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16.10.05

drama mode

wala lang, sulat lang ule.. hehe.. try ko lang.. hehe..

i'm thinking.. (kelan ba hinde?!) kc naisep ko lang un mga taong special na nagdaan sa life ko.. natutuwa na din ako kc mei nagawa din naman pala kong kakaiba.. i mean, lamko nasiraan ng ulo un mga taong un, haha.. pero natutuwa ko pag nagrereminisce, it's very wonderful to know that i still have memories.. someday, all of these will soon die.. naturally.. i will forget all of these things, my mind will soon abandon them.. but i know that i will still smile when that day comes, even when i do not know why i am smiling.. asus, mushy ko! haha..

owel, i just want to say thank you to those people na naging part ng life ko.. laki ng impact nio sa buhay ko at sa pagmamature ko.. weeh!

Posted at 11:57 pm by uhleyn
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29.9.05

...

Dear diary,

Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just a part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me take no risks, to go back where I came from because I didn’t have the courage to say “yes” to life?

I made my first mistake when I was eleven years old, when that boy asked me if I could lend him a pencil; since then, I’ve realized that sometimes you get no second chance and that it’s best to accept the gifts the world offers you. Of course it’s risky, but is the risk any greater than the chance of the bus that took forty-eight hours to bring me here having an accident? If I must be faithful to someone or something, then I have, first of all, to be faithful to myself. If I’m looking for true love, I first have to get the mediocre loves out of my system. The little experience of life I’ve had has taught me that no one owns anything, that everything is an illusion – and that applies to material as well as spiritual things. Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever (as has happened often enough to me already) finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.

And if nothing belongs to me, then there’s no point wasting my time looking after things that aren’t mind; it’s best to live as if today were the first (or last) day of my life..

Posted at 8:53 am by uhleyn
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eleven..

When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. I saw this happen today as the sun went down. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! No herons, no distant music, not even the taste of his lips. How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly?

Life moves very fast.. It rushes us from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds..

Posted at 8:50 am by uhleyn
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28.9.05

RECORD EVERYTHING..

nagkakatuwaan na naman.. performance from jopay..

jopay: dancing queen, young and sweet only seventeen.. lalalala..

may nagttext, 2 beses pa sinesend un messages (nietang unlimited yan!)

wala bang katapusan ang pangfflirt ng mga tao? bakit ganon? kabaliwan, kalandian, kaewanan!

1:27 am, oras sa computer ko sa opisina: naghihintay ng 3 minuto pa para makapag-break na.. abnormal break ko, ako lang mag-isa.. di pa nakakapag-dinner kaya ayan, hilo na naman ako.. at kakain ako ng madaling araw pa!

hang ups: don't be misled, these are not emotional whatevers, these are phone calls.. i got like 20 of these sa loob ng almost 4 hours lang.. out of almost 75 calls.. guuurrreeeeyyyyyhhhhhhttttt!!!!!

ikinatutuwa ko na makita an sarili kong muka, tinititigan ang letratong kinunan sa pantry ng opisina: what's funny about the face - eh, my face - is the sad-happy-sad smile.. but i wasn't feeling sad when it was taken.. but everytime i look at it, i can't help but laugh and at the same time, see the sadness i myself exude.. it's different when u see urself in d mirror and smiling while sad.. kasi mapapalitan mo pa un facial expression mo pag nakaharap ka sa mirror, unlike pag picture, frozen na un, isang beses mo lang magagawa un expression na un and u can never change it.. teknolohiya malamang ang kayang mag-alter.. pero un lang, walang halong emotion or whatsoever..but nonetheless, natutuwa kong tignan ang letrato ko, it's really queer when u see urself in a piece of paper smiling back at u.. fake man un or hindi.. fun.. funn.. funny!

ang nagttext: nagdrama na.. mahirap ba talagang paintindihin ang mga tao na TAMA NA?! na AYOKO?! hay nako..

USAPAN NG BISOR AT NG ISANG SENIOR: hormonal imbalance at pagkawalang gana sa sex dahil sa pagka-caesarian ng senior.. isang araw daw ay nagkaroon sila ng close to sex experience pero naudlot ng dahil sa psychological blahblah.. traumatized daw ang body.. hah? wadahel is dat??? kakatakot.. ganon pala un.. hehe..

ang mga naunang pahayag ay katibayan ng pagiging mapagmanman ko.. o sa mas balbal na termino: CHISMOSA! :)

P.S.

i love you..

ATE SHAWI

Posted at 1:47 am by uhleyn
you were saying..? Permalink

26.9.05

dot.dot.dot...

Nag-iisip ako ng mga dahilan kung bakit ba ko napadpad sa lugar na to. Pero kung tutuusin, napakaganda ng view, malamig ang hangin at parang napakapayapa ng gabi. Malapit ako sa langit, un ang pakiramdam ko.. malayo sa lahat ng kapahamakan, sakit at kung ano pa mang negativities. Parang akin ang mundo, akin ang mga bituin, ang buwan, at lahat ng kung ano pa mang abot ng aking tanaw.. Pero nag-iisip nga pala ko ng mga dahilan kung bakit ako narito.. gagawa na lang ako ng listahan.. 1. ayokong makarinig ng ring ng telepono.. 2. ayokong sumakay ng sasakyan at maipit sa trapik habang pinapawisan sa init! 3. gusto kong maamoy ang hangin ng walang kasamang usok o baho ng basura.. 4. ayokong makakita muna ng street children at matatanda sa kalsada.. 5. gusto kong kalimutan muna sandali ang komedyang nangyayari sa pamilya ko.. 6. gusto kong yugyugin ang sarili ko, baka may lumaglag na latak mula sa dating AKO.. 7. gusto kong isipin kung saan ba ko dadalhin ng lahat ng bagay na ginagawa ko ngayon.. 8. gusto kong malaman kung ano bang mali sa buhay ko.. 9. gusto kong malaman kung talaga bang matapang ako.. 10. ayokong makita ang mga taong pinagkakatiwalaan ko.. 11. ayokong makita ang mga taong sumira sa tiwala ko.. 12. ayokong malamang humihinga pa ang mga taong to.. 13. ayokong maramdamang pabalik-balik ang galit sa loob ko.. 14. gusto kong malayo sa lahat ng mga tangible na nagpapagulo ng isip ko.. 15. gusto kong maging para sa sarili ko lang, walang ibang iniisip.. 16. gusto kong mabuhay kahit ilang oras lang na para bang wala ng bukas.. 17. gusto kong magwala, un walang titingin sa kin at magtataka.. 18. gusto kong takasan kahit sandali lang lahat ng mga kung ano mang dapat kong hinaharap.. 19. ayokong magtrabaho! 20. gusto kong.. mamatay??? Oo nga pala, kaya nga pala ko napadpad dito eh dahil nagbalak akong magpakamatay.. ang listahan palang ito eh dapat listahan ng mga rason kung bakit di na ko dapat mabuhay pa.. pero mukang ang gusto ko lang naman eh panandaliang pahinga sa lahat ng bagay, tao, at mga pangyayari.. kaya lang nakakapagod naman kasi.. hindi ko alam kung pano haharapin uli pagkatapos.. ayoko na atang bumalik at bumaba dito.. gusto ko na lang dito, mamatay ng walang nakakaalam.. walang nakakakita, walang pipigil, walang magsasabing mali ang gagawin ko at mapupunta ko sa impyerno.. walang magsasabing wala akong kwenta at sinasayang ko lang lahat dahil lang di ko na makaya ang mga kung ano mang bumabagabag sa kin.. wadahek, sila na lang kaya sa lugar ko, ramdamin nila nararamdaman ko! Eh ano ngayon kung mahina ako at ayoko ng maging tao?! Pakelam ko ba sa kanila?! W A L A!!! wala kong pakelam sa lahat nga taong may pakelam sa ken! Sinasabi lang nilang may pakelam sila pero wala naman! Kaya wala kong pakelam sa kanilang lahat!!!! Pathetic noh? Buti na lang hindi ganto ang tunay kong nararamdaman.. buti na lang nagising ako agad bago pa ko matuluyang tumalon sa napakagandang bangin na kinatatayuan ko.. kung hindi, malamang wala na kong kamay na pang-type neto.. malamang di ko na naikwento to.. malamang wala na kong patutunguhan kundi papakin ng mga uod habang nabubulok ako sa lupang kahihimlayan ko.. yak! Mamamatay akong panget, hehe.. gising na ko! Nakaharap na naman sa computer, may headset na suot, nakakatanggap ng tawag ng mga tao mula sa kabilang dulo ng mundo, pero mababait sila ngayon.. di gaya kahapon na puro mura inabot ko.. akalain mong nagtapos ako ng pag-aaral sa prestihiyosong eskwelahan para lang murahin nila?! Eto ba ang tinatawag na virtue ng patience? Ahaay naku, parang ang mangyayare eh magiging patient ako neto- patient ng mental! Haha! Grabe tlga to, masakit na nga ulo ko eh, buti na lang talaga walang sumisigaw ngayon sa telepono.. malamang sa susunod na linggo di na ko maghihintay ng tawag dahil ako na ang tatawag uli sa kanila.. mahirap palang tumanggap ng tawag, ngayon ko lang nasubukan to.. kawawa naman ang mga inbounders (hehe) sila tumatanggap ng galit at walang ginawa kundi mag-apoligize para sa kasalanang di naman nila ginawa! Sa bagay, lahat tayo ay nagiging customer sa araw-araw nating buhay.. grabe, daig pa namin ang service council.. Ano bang magagawa ko kung hindi ito? Ano ba? Ayoko na munang isipin.. kasi gusto ko na naman mamuhay ng simple sa bundok eh.. wala nga lang mga gadgets na to.. pero bakit ba, eh kesa naman magtrabaho tapos parang wala lang.. ewan, magulo.. ano ba tlga ang gusto ko? Dati kasi desidido ko sa mga bagay na gusto ko.. bakit pagkalipas ng halos dalawang taong pagtatrabaho e naguguluhan ako.. siguro imbes na tumalon nga ko sa bangin e mag-isip na lang ako ng gagawin ko, ng mga plano ko ule, ng mga gusto kong mangyari.. o kaya.. maghahanap na lang ako ng mapapang-asawa, yung mayaman!

Posted at 10:19 pm by uhleyn
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12.6.05

Behold He comes,riding on a cloud,shining like the sun,at the trumphet call..

A university professor challenged his
students with this question:
"Did God create everything that exists?
A student bravely replied, "Yes, He did!"

"God created everything?" the professor
asked. "Yes, sir," the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created
everything, then God created evil, since
evil exists. And according to the principle
that our works define who we are, then
God is evil."

The student became quiet before such
an answer.

The professor was quite pleased with
himself, and boasted to the students that
he had proven once more that the faith in
God is a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said,
"Can I ask you a question, professor?" "Of
course," replied the professor. The student
stood up and asked,"Professor, does cold
exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it
exists. Have you never been cold?" The
students snickered at the young man's
question. The young man replied, "In fact,
sir, cold does not exist. According to the
laws of physics, what we consider cold is,
in reality, the absence of heat. Every body
or object is susceptible to study when it has
or transmits energy. Absolute zero (-460
degrees F) is the total absence of heat.
All matter becomes inert and incapable of
reaction at that temperature. Cold does not
exist. We have created this word to describe
how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued. "Professor, does
darkness exist?" The professor responded,
"Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are
wrong, sir. Darkness does not exist either.
Darkness is, in reality, the absence of
light. We can study light, but not darkness.
In fact, we can use Newton's prism to
break white light into many colors and study
the various wave lengths of each color. You
cannot measure darkness. A simple ray
of light can break into a world of darkness
and illuminate it. How can you know how
dark a certain space is? You measure the
amount of light present. Isn't this correct?
Darkness is a term used by man to
describe what happens when there is no
light present."

Finally, the young man asked the professor,
"Sir, does evil exist?" Now uncertain, the
professor responded, "Of course, as I have
already said. We see it everyday. It is in the
daily example of man's inhumanity to man.

It is in the multitude of crime and violence
everywhere in the world. These
manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not
exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto
itself. Evil is simply the absence of God.
It is just like darkness and cold -- a word
that man has created to describe the
absence of God.

God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith,
or love, that exist just as does light and heat.
Evil is the result of what happens when man
does not have God's love present in his heart.
It's like the cold that comes when there is no
heat, or the darkness that comes when there
is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young student's name--Albert Einstein

Posted at 9:34 pm by uhleyn
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gutom na ko tlga!!!

Who did you last go out with?
-- dretti

Who was the last person to text message you?
-- dretti

What is the first name on your missed, received
and dialed calls?
-- missed: kuhlani (ate ko)
received: monti
dialled: pam

What do u want to receive on your birthday?
-- a rabbit and a penguin hehe, and a bookstore.. hehe..

what do u want to receive on valentines day?
-- love? Hehe.. yak.. uh, a letter..

What do you plan to do for the next holiday?
-- wala pa eh..

What time did you sleep last night?
-- I don’t know.. probably round 2 am

What's the wallpaper on your phone?
-- kme ni ate..

What are you going to do 5 hours later?
-- dream..

Is there anyone you're thinking of now?
-- Y E S

What was the last thing you touched before the
computer?
-- My phone

When was the last time you browsed through the
Bible?
-- kanina

What can you hear besides the computer?
-- electric fan

Why did you answer this?
-- I don’t want to think, that’s why..

Name 5 people you saw yesterday besides the
people who live with you
-- noe, mariz, chel, lala, charlie

When was the last time you opened your school
textbooks?
-- first week of june

Do you agree to the saying "To forgive is to
forget"?
-- I forgive.. but to forget.. let me think.. wish I had amnesia!

What makes you happy?
-- recollection of shards.. writing.. loving.. giving.. and doing it all over again.. recollection of shards.. writing.. loving.. giving.. and.. ok.. J

What makes you sad?
-- my thoughts

What are your favorite books?
-- frendster profile nlng..

What was the last song that kept ringing on your
mind last night before you slept?
-- bukas n lng kita mamahalin by lani misalucha

Lastly, what do you like about yourself?
-- myself! my disposition..

Posted at 9:34 pm by uhleyn
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wag kang lilingon..

"what is the use of leaving if i am coming back?" -simone de beauvoir

did i not warn you?

the only way i know is forward.

to take one step back would be my doom..

have i not asked you?

how far can you go?

abyss is my obssesion; fear of the unknown is my passion...

was i not able to ask you?

how strong you are?

for the light i exude can swallow darkness...

i did... i have... i was...

why, now, i look at your carcass?

i went ahead, you slowed down and stopped.

now the poison of venom runs through your blood..

perharps you ended your life with the hope of redemption;

"believe and you shall be saved, saved are those who believed."

but is it not that doubt made you lose grip

from walking forward and continuing with the leap?

now i fly above and i look down

your eyes shut off, your fire is gone

the rain has come, the sun is done..

Posted at 11:19 am by uhleyn
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